Bush: It Wasn’t My Fault
A frequent reader of Kamber’s Comments—a former Miami newsman now living in Panama—read my Bush impeachment blog and observed that George W. no doubt has reasonable explanations for everything that has gone so terribly wrong in Iraq. Here is “Panama Bob” taking on the thankless Tony Snow role of anticipating the inevitable George W. Bush autobiography, "Why It Wasn't My Fault: Who's Really to Blame".
1. Congress: "If those guys had just done their job I might not be in this mess. A GOP House and Senate--talk about your puppet governments..."
2. Saddam: "Why couldn't he tell me he was just bluffing about having weapons of mass destruction? That and a sincere apology for planning to assassinate my Dad could have defused the whole thing. Sure, Saddam was a tyrant but he'd already killed most everybody he intended to kill, and our no-fly zone protected the Kurds, plus really, who cares if the Iraqis have a democracy? Him being the natural enemy of Iran, we could have worked with him the way we did before, but no-o-o-o. Ever notice how some people are just too stubborn to admit their mistakes?"
3. The Iraqis: "Ingrates, hat's what I call them. We gave them a chance to be a semi-autonomous subsidiary of Halliburton and they muffed it. You say Sunnis and Shites are implacable enemies incapable of cooperating in our cherry-picked Iraqi government? Now you tell me. I mean, who knew?
4. Colin Powell & Pentagon: "Just try being commander in chief when every time you give an order someone's saying it can't be done. One says it's too little too late, the other says it's too much too soon. I say it's damn hard to find a good yes-man these days."
5. Press: "I lied? Weapons of mass destruction? Victory in sight? Bin Laden and Iraq? So what? Truth? You guys don't want the truth. You can't handle the truth. How can you blame me when all I did was say what you wanted to hear--remember shock and awe? Stay the course? Hey, you ate it up. Keep in mind, a Pulitzer Prize is nothing but what one person gets for reporting what all the rest overlooked."
6. Students: "Where were the protesters when they might have made a difference? I'll tell you where: frat parties, playing war games on PlayStations, that's where. Beer-guzzling undergraduates--I have nothing but contempt for their ilk.
7. Charles Rangel: "I get so tired of hearing about him. If he'd made a successful case for drafting senator's kids we'd could have been out of Iraq two years ago. But no--he was too busy crossing police tape lines and holding press conferences."
8. Donald Rumsfeld: "Oh, yes! I can hardly wait to read his memoirs about how he disagreed with me right from the start, how if I'd listened more to him, blah blah..."
9. Dick Cheney: "If any criminal proceedings come out of this, I'm warning everyone right up front I intend to cut a deal. I can name names. It's not me they should focus on. And they say the Mafia is a family..."
10. Karl Rove: "Talk about your Machiavelli's and Rasputin's. I thought it was just a joke when he came up with that campaign slogan, 'Who Would Jesus Vote For?' If it weren't for that, I could have been at my ranch in Crawford all this time, rooting for the Rangers."
11. Condoleezza Rice: "If there's an historical lesson to be learned from all this, it's never rely on anyone who graduated from college before age 13."
12. Mr. I'm-So-Smart Al Gore and Mr. Hoof-In-Mouth John Kerry. "Oh, those guys...Laura said alongside them, even she had to vote for me."
13. My Brother. "You know why he stole that close election in Florida for me? I'll tell you why. Because mother always loved me best, that's why. He was dying to make me look bad, give me chance to screw up. It was revenge, pure and simple."
14. The American Public: "Okay, final chapter, big finish. Here are your real culprits. Ask yourself this: Was I even remotely qualified to be president of the United States? No way, Jose. Didn't everybody who even so much as watched Saturday Night Live know that my bricks lacked mortar? Absolutely. So what happened? There's no I.Q. test for voters--dummies vote, dummies get elected. Those folks in the Red States tossed me in over my head, not once, but twice. Hey, bottom line, I'm the victim here..."
15. Epilogue. "Maybe you saw me reading off the tv prompter something about being responsible. I detest speechwriters, always putting words in my mouth, getting me in trouble--so don't even think about using that against me. As I see it, it's a lot like parsing what 'is' is. I understood it to mean responsibility in the Janet Reno sense of 'Look how admirable I am, standing here shouldering the blame for mistakes made by others.' If it comes to it, I can say in all honesty--and I think there are many who'll back me up on this--not only am I not responsible, I'm probably the least responsible president this nation has ever had. "
1. Congress: "If those guys had just done their job I might not be in this mess. A GOP House and Senate--talk about your puppet governments..."
2. Saddam: "Why couldn't he tell me he was just bluffing about having weapons of mass destruction? That and a sincere apology for planning to assassinate my Dad could have defused the whole thing. Sure, Saddam was a tyrant but he'd already killed most everybody he intended to kill, and our no-fly zone protected the Kurds, plus really, who cares if the Iraqis have a democracy? Him being the natural enemy of Iran, we could have worked with him the way we did before, but no-o-o-o. Ever notice how some people are just too stubborn to admit their mistakes?"
3. The Iraqis: "Ingrates, hat's what I call them. We gave them a chance to be a semi-autonomous subsidiary of Halliburton and they muffed it. You say Sunnis and Shites are implacable enemies incapable of cooperating in our cherry-picked Iraqi government? Now you tell me. I mean, who knew?
4. Colin Powell & Pentagon: "Just try being commander in chief when every time you give an order someone's saying it can't be done. One says it's too little too late, the other says it's too much too soon. I say it's damn hard to find a good yes-man these days."
5. Press: "I lied? Weapons of mass destruction? Victory in sight? Bin Laden and Iraq? So what? Truth? You guys don't want the truth. You can't handle the truth. How can you blame me when all I did was say what you wanted to hear--remember shock and awe? Stay the course? Hey, you ate it up. Keep in mind, a Pulitzer Prize is nothing but what one person gets for reporting what all the rest overlooked."
6. Students: "Where were the protesters when they might have made a difference? I'll tell you where: frat parties, playing war games on PlayStations, that's where. Beer-guzzling undergraduates--I have nothing but contempt for their ilk.
7. Charles Rangel: "I get so tired of hearing about him. If he'd made a successful case for drafting senator's kids we'd could have been out of Iraq two years ago. But no--he was too busy crossing police tape lines and holding press conferences."
8. Donald Rumsfeld: "Oh, yes! I can hardly wait to read his memoirs about how he disagreed with me right from the start, how if I'd listened more to him, blah blah..."
9. Dick Cheney: "If any criminal proceedings come out of this, I'm warning everyone right up front I intend to cut a deal. I can name names. It's not me they should focus on. And they say the Mafia is a family..."
10. Karl Rove: "Talk about your Machiavelli's and Rasputin's. I thought it was just a joke when he came up with that campaign slogan, 'Who Would Jesus Vote For?' If it weren't for that, I could have been at my ranch in Crawford all this time, rooting for the Rangers."
11. Condoleezza Rice: "If there's an historical lesson to be learned from all this, it's never rely on anyone who graduated from college before age 13."
12. Mr. I'm-So-Smart Al Gore and Mr. Hoof-In-Mouth John Kerry. "Oh, those guys...Laura said alongside them, even she had to vote for me."
13. My Brother. "You know why he stole that close election in Florida for me? I'll tell you why. Because mother always loved me best, that's why. He was dying to make me look bad, give me chance to screw up. It was revenge, pure and simple."
14. The American Public: "Okay, final chapter, big finish. Here are your real culprits. Ask yourself this: Was I even remotely qualified to be president of the United States? No way, Jose. Didn't everybody who even so much as watched Saturday Night Live know that my bricks lacked mortar? Absolutely. So what happened? There's no I.Q. test for voters--dummies vote, dummies get elected. Those folks in the Red States tossed me in over my head, not once, but twice. Hey, bottom line, I'm the victim here..."
15. Epilogue. "Maybe you saw me reading off the tv prompter something about being responsible. I detest speechwriters, always putting words in my mouth, getting me in trouble--so don't even think about using that against me. As I see it, it's a lot like parsing what 'is' is. I understood it to mean responsibility in the Janet Reno sense of 'Look how admirable I am, standing here shouldering the blame for mistakes made by others.' If it comes to it, I can say in all honesty--and I think there are many who'll back me up on this--not only am I not responsible, I'm probably the least responsible president this nation has ever had. "
posted by Victor Kamber | 10:15 AM
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